The Secret Language of Behaviour

You plant a seed. You give it sun, water, and good soil, yet the seedling struggles. Its leaves may curl, its growth may stunt. A good gardener doesn’t blame the plant; they look deeper. Is it a nutrient deficiency in the soil? Not enough drainage? An unseen pest at the roots?

Our behaviour, and the behaviour of those around us, is much like that struggling plant. The actions we see - the outbursts, the withdrawal, the 'bad habits' that hold us back - are merely the visible symptoms. They are the language of an unmet need, a quiet signal from the depths of our being trying to communicate that something's missing in the soil...

To understand this language is to become a skilled gardener.

What We See

Imagine an iceberg. The visible tip above the water is the behaviour itself; a sharp word, a missed deadline, a need to control, a pattern of procrastination. This is what we react to. It’s easy to label this tip "bad," "lazy," or "difficult."

But beneath the surface lies the massive, hidden structure of the iceberg. This is the realm of feelings, thoughts, perceptions, and - at the very base - the universal human needs that are either being met, or neglected. The behaviour is simply a strategy, often a clumsy one, to get those deepest needs fulfilled.

A child’s tantrum isn't just a demand for a toy; it’s a desperate strategy for needs like autonomy ("I want to choose") or connection ("see me, hear me"). A partner's nit-picking is usually not about the dirty dishes, but a flawed strategy for order or support, and our own anxieties are often a signal that our needs for safety, predictability, or clarity are not being met.

How to Decode the Signal: A Three-Step Practice

Shifting from judgment to curiosity is the first and most crucial step. Instead of asking, "What is wrong with you/me?" we can learn to ask, "What is happening within you/me?"

Here is a simple framework to begin this practice:

1. Pause and Identify the Behaviour

Get specific, but without judgment. Instead of "I'm being lazy," try "I am scrolling on my phone instead of working on my project."

2. Get Curious About the Feeling and the Need

This is the heart of the work. Gently inquire beneath the surface.

• "When I [see this behaviour], what am I truly feeling?" Beneath the anger, there is often hurt. Beneath the procrastination, there is often fear or overwhelm.

• "What might I/they be needing right now?" This requires tapping into the vocabulary of universal human needs. Could it be a need for:

  • Connection: understanding, encouragement, companionship?

  • Physical Well-being: rest, nourishment, safety?

  • Autonomy: choice, freedom, self-expression?

  • Meaning: purpose, growth, contribution?

  • Peace: harmony, order, calm?

3. Explore Kinder Strategies

Once you have a hypothesis about the unmet need, you can address the root cause instead of just pruning the wilting leaf. If the need is for rest, the strategy could be a 10-minute nap instead of another coffee. If the need is for understanding, the strategy could be a gentle conversation.

The Ripple Effect of Meeting Needs

When we learn to listen to this secret language, our entire relationship with ourselves and the world begins to shift.

• Self-Compassion Grows: We stop seeing ourselves as broken and start seeing ourselves as human. That critical inner voice softens into a curious, caring one.

• Understanding Deepens: We become less reactive to the behaviour of others. We see the hurt person behind the harsh words, the scared child behind the bully. This doesn't excuse the behaviour, but it allows us to address its root cause with far greater effectiveness.

• Authentic Connection Becomes Possible: Communication moves from a battlefield of blame to a collaborative exploration of needs. We can say, "I notice I'm feeling anxious, and I think I need some clarity," which is infinitely more connecting than, "You never explain anything properly."

Just as in nature, everything is connected. The wilting leaf points to a need in the root system. By learning to look beneath the behaviour - we begin to tend to the inner ecosystem of our lives. We move from merely managing symptoms to cultivating a profound and lasting state of wellbeing, one met need at a time.

For a deeper exploration of The Language Of Behaviour, my book (previously Red Flag Green Flag) is available to download on this website, and in paperback on Amazon.